Avoiding the #1 reason for divorce – how to stay connected with your spouse and not drift apart

Dear fellow Yid,

Of course there is nothing to say– that’s what a shiva call is– to just sit with you in silence, facing the unspeakable with you as best I can, and waiting, in silence, hoping that something will come to you, something that can be spoken, that I can have lovingly witness, even if I can never understand.

But for what it’s worth, please know that my heart is so much with you there– you who gave up somebody who meant more than anything to you so that they could fight to save us all. I’m not in your shoes and I can have no idea what that really means- your personal sacrifice– the ultimate personal sacrifice- for me and my family and the whole family of Klal Yisroel– and there is nothing to answer that– only awe and sharing your tears to whatever extent I can. I can’t ever imagine the whole range of complicated feelings that must be washing over you in dizzying waves…

For what it’s worth, please know that the centerpiece of my days now, now that we are at war, is to take out my Tefillas Chanah and, while I davven also for my own family’s stuff, I’m davvening for all I’m worth for the wives and children of our soldiers– that you should have everything you need, that all your hearts’ desires should be fulfilled- and most importantly that you should be spared— THIS. So I have to accept that for some incomprehensible humanly-impossible-to-encompass reason, all our tefilos were not answered and here you are, sitting shiva. I don’t even know your name, but please know that I won’t stop davvening for you– that you be showered with love and nechama and that you feel the whole world, the whole of Clal Yisroel, coming together for you right now, to hold you up. Everybody I know here in chutz l’aretz is also davvening and holding you all in our hearts, too.

I have no idea how my words will ring to you– they may well bring on more bitterness and pain and if they do I ask your mechila and regret them– what you are going through must be so complex and massive that would make perfect sense, really. But I earnestly hope they do the opposite. Silent presence is the only real way to be menachem- but a blank email just doesn’t bring it across….

But words are all I have to offer at this moment. So more of them… even as I’m writing these words trying hopelessly to comfort, I’m also remembering that you, my friend, family who I’ve never met, you are more than your grief– there has been just war and terror for so long, and now this, it must be hard to remember, but you are also still you, still your amazing unbroken irreplicable self that I would love to know, to just enjoy ordinary life with you one day. You have a friend, some family you never met, here in London, if you ever need a place to stay or somebody to phone up if you are ever here, and I wish there was some way I could be there for you as a friend in a practical real way right now– maybe the organizer’s of this project have some ideas. But I hope the message that you are loved comes across and that in some small way it helps.

HaShem inachem otach bsoch col evelei tzion uyerushalaym,

למשפחה של נריה בלטה, הי”ד,
אני לא מכירה אתכם ולא את בנכם/נכדכם/אחיכם. אני לא גרה בארץ -אני כותבת אליכם מאנגליה.
דע שיהודים בכל העולם כולו בוכים איתכם, משתתפים בצערכם, ומתאבלים איתכם על נריה ועל כל חייל וחייל שנופל למען הארץ והעם. אנשים אחים אנחנו.
מן השמיים תנוחמו.

Na’amah Roselaar נעמה רוזלאר